Hi...I'm back..

Hi...sorry for not posting. I sorta forgot that I had a blog.

Anyway, I was on vacation, thought I'd "kick back" as the cool kids would say. God I wish I was one of those "cool kids," but I'm over 30 years old (at my last count). So I'll just settle for being a "cool" adult who happens to be red all over with horns and a cool mustache that I've had since I was ten.

So anyway, someone told me about "Mari Gras," and that it was a total blast and I "had to be there." So I went to the grocery store where I work (it was my day off) and hung around the napkin and paper towel section where they sell Mardi Gras paper products.

Nothing happened, just cranky customers who told me to "get out of the way," or "fuck off freak."

That was the worst 1 1/2 week vacation I've ever had!

Well, I'm working now....

Well, mom and dad said I need to start doing something with my extra time. Apparently they think jumping around in my Underoos (Um......I mean, my Tightiewhities), playing Dungeons and Dragons with a few of my stuffed animal friends, and watching porn is a waste of my time. So, I got a job at a local grocery store bagging groceries. My god, its tough work! I have to remember to ask every customer if they want paper or plastic, and I have to make sure to put the heavy stuff on the bottom and the delicate stuff on the top. I guess I can see their point. If the grocery store starts selling puppies and bowling balls, they'll definately want me to put the puppies on the bottom and the bowling balls on the top..

And another thing, I can never get any nice quiet masturbation time, there's always someone walking around in the parking lot! God I hate that!

I have to wear a uniform. My brother Satan never had to wear a uniform when he started working in Hell. It was jeans or shorts day every day. Then they promoted him to assistant manager, and before too long, he was running the place! God I hate him. Someday I'm gonna set Satan's building on fire......Oh wait......his building is always on fire......... Well, If a truckload of fire extinguishers appears out of nowhere, I can put out all his fires!

Anyway, I really hate my job. I think I'll quit pretty soon and just hang out at the library. That way mom & dad will think I'm going to work. But I'll have to steal my uniform and wear it all the time otherwise they'll get suspicious. Maybe I can find some grocery bagger style Underoos. There's gotta be some grocery store superheros out there! I'm not sure, I only read Marvel comics....

I'll bet I can get a better job than bagging groceries! So I'm gonna quit my job and hold out for something better. I'll bet I can get a job as CEO of a huge company or become a rocket engineer for NASA. I like rockets and how they blast off and stuff.....what other qualification will they need?

I am now "Captain Tightiewhities"

Well, because Satan stole my Underoos (well, either it was him or that little South Park cartoon toadie-Grover Dill who did it). Anyway, I am currently Underooless at the moment. So I cannot entertain the women with my undie superhero act.

If you're unfamiliar with my undie superhero act, its where I wear a suit and tie and walk around, but I'm actually wearing my superhero Underoos costume underneath. Anyway, someone screams and yells "gee, I wish Wonderoos Man were here."

That's my cue to rip off the suit and reveal my Wonderoos Man costume and jump onto my invisible skateboard. (Actually its a skateboard made of glass.) Wonderoos Man is a cousin of Wonderwoman. But I had to buy Wonderwoman Underoos and make a few key modifications of the Underoo design. For example, the Wonderwoman Underoos has a Wonderwoman Amazon armour-plated sports bra design. I modified the sports bra into a armour-plated "sports bra t-shirt."


But I digress. During my super hero exploits, I rescue the damsel in distress who is conveniently tied to the bed posts. (The bastard bad guys ripped off all her clothes and covered her entire body with somekind of lubricant). Now, you'd assume that I could easily untie her, but the ropes are made of a special alloy that only Wonderoos Man can destroy. But that secret laser ray pistol is in Wonderoos Man's underoos.

But Satan or his little cartoon toadie stole my Underoos. Bastards! There's probably prancing around hell pretending to be Wonderoos Man right now, tying up women and showing off their secret death ray cannons.

So, I had to resort to coming up with a new superhero: Tightiewhitie Man.

I don't have a fucking clue what Tightiewhitie Man does. Can someone help me?

Satan, gimmie my Underoos back, I'm telling Mom!

Hi...My Name is Carl

Hi....my name is Carl. I'm Satan's younger brother. Unappreciated, I should say. I grew up with Satan, taking all his abuse and atomic wedgies and verbal abuse. So instead of justice being served and me going on to become a Dungeons and Dragon's superstar or a comic collector studly man, Satan suddenly gets lucky and becomes Mr. "dark lord of evil." Flaunting his evilness all over the place. Who the fuck died and made him mayor?

All he's really doing is channelling his abuse down to me. God I resent him for his brash arrogance. He's all moved out of mom and dad's house so he could "see the flaming pits of hell." The jerk worked down in hell for like six months and they made him dark lord. Asshole!!!

I'm like, still living with my folks....

SHUT UP! WHAT'S WRONG WITH LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS????

Somebody's gotta take over the house when they die..

Anyway, here's a couple of old photos of the Lucifer family:

I'm on the right, left of me is my brother Satan (in this picture, he was threatening to stuff a midget into my underwear if I didn't stop going through the Penthouse magazines in his room. I had Herve Villechez living next to my penis for a week...god I hated that little prick!)

Anyway, front and center is my dad, Gene Lucifer. He was a fundraiser for the Republican Party. My mom, Cindy Lucifer didn't do shit but play chopsticks on the piano all day. She's slightly retarded. On the far left is our sister, Claire, we don't give a shit about her.

So anyway, I lived in denial of living under my brother's shadow. I even tried to look "cool" complete with a jew-fro and some rock star glasses. I hated those glasses! God I hate those "cool guys!" Instead, I feel so much like Charlie Brown all the time. But I'd rather be Snoopy and sit on top of my doghouse all day pretending to be the Red Baron or the World War I Flying Ace. But I don't have a doghouse because I'm allergic to dogs. So I just sit on top of my parents diningroom table and pretend that the diningroom table is the doghouse.

I've shot down 300 flying diningroom tables just last year. My name is Carl...